I’m going to be disappearing for an indeterminate length of time, except to post artwork on Mitochondriart (god knows I’m not going to give myself another excuse not to draw; I’m already too good at coming up with those). Events in the past few days have made me realize that the nervousness, exhaustion, lack of motivation, and general malaise I’ve been feeling basically since grad school, but especially in the past year, and even more specifically in the past few months, has escalated to a point that I really can no longer consider normal. I’ve always been very positive, cheerful, and had excellent healthy coping skills, so it’s been hard for me to admit that there could be a problem, but I’m starting to think I might have a legitimate anxiety issue. Not like an “I’m afraid to go outside ever and think I’m going to die all the time ” anxiety issue, but definitely an “I am plagued with enough daily fear and self-doubt that it can affect my ability to regularly perform normal tasks” anxiety issue. I’m fine a lot of the time, but I also spend a lot of time obsessing over all the “mistakes” that got me to this point and worrying whether I have any value and being afraid that I’ll never amount to anything— enough that even though I’m home all day, I basically never get done the full list of what I want/need to do each day. My asthma came back after being controlled enough that I didn’t need any medication for years, I’m having all sorts of strange joint pain issues and indigestion that won’t go away no matter what I eat or what medication I take, and I guess those can be signs of a prolonged period of high anxiety, as well, so…
Compounding this is the fact that I’m basically out of money; I expected my savings to last longer, but I’m about $2,000 further down than I estimated I would be thanks to vet bills (the rabbit health issues are also definitely not helping. I feel like I’m going to throw up constantly because there’s constantly something else wrong.) I’m looking for jobs, but my lack of experience in a field that isn’t teaching is definitely making it hard. I’m not willing to take a teaching job just for the money, however, since (a) that would be unfair to the kids to have a teacher who was there only to pay her bills, and (b) I’ve already determined that teaching is basically the reason I feel the way I do, so, that’s pretty much a big no. I’m not in financial trouble, exactly, since I have no outstanding debt and Dan has offered to pay for everything if it comes to that, but the idea of losing my self-sufficiency and becoming completely financially reliant on others terrifies me. I know Dan wouldn’t hold it over my head or want anything “out of me” for it, but for me the guilt alone of accepting someone’s full monetary support is too much.
Now, I realize all this looks pretty terrible, but honestly I’m pretty much okay? It doesn’t take much to make me happy, and I’m taking good enough care of myself that I’m not going to like… get sick over any of it. I’m sleeping 7-8 hours a night and drinking fluids and… well I’m eating, although not as healthily as I probably should. I’m also seeing my PCP in about two weeks, and I’ll talk to her about all of this then. But it is definitely an emotional and mental drain, and my energy level is way lower than it should be, and I find that I’m using tumblr/the internet in general as a bit of a crutch; when I’m feeling bad I open up the dashboard or a gaming site or something and scroll until I feel less bad, and then it’s an hour later and I haven’t done the things I’ve needed or wanted to do. So, until I have things here a little better under control, I’m going to be AWOL. If you want to contact me for whatever reason (be it urgent or you just miss my delightful and witty charm and want to say hi), feel free to either follow me on Mitochondriart.tumblr.com and/or send me an ask and I can give you my AIM handle.
Anyway, don’t worry too much about me— this is about me recognizing and issue and taking the appropriate steps to fix it, not about a serious crisis or a “cry for help” or a withdrawal from the world. I will return eventually, and in the meantime I will try to post pretty pictures to remind you I am alive and still think you’re all pretty swell fellows.
~Hannah, taking a leave of absence